You are the Gum You Chew
There are two kinds of gum in this world. There’s the kind that’s a pleasure to chew – that keeps the flavor coming for most of the time it’s in your mouth. And then there’s the kind that tastes good for about five seconds before becoming a disgusting annoyance to your taste buds. The kind that eventually takes on the consistency of boat caulk.
But it’s this very distinction that begs a myriad of questions. Namely, if we know one piece of gum will outlast another, what are we doing buying the 5-second burst? Do we actually prefer this one-time fling as opposed to the consistent, long-term relationship we could get with other gums?
I want you think about these questions. And while you do, here are some other things to consider the next time you’re scanning the gum section to find a pack to break a dollar.
- You probably won’t find a pack that’s less than that dollar in your hand. That’s right. Depending on where you’re at in this great country of ours, expect to pay a dollar and change.
- Have you ever purchased the 5-piece pack of gum? Made you feel like crap didn’t it? You wanted to get the big pack, but all you had was a dollar. Good luck stretching those 5 pieces over the next day-and-a-half.
- “But I had a date that night and all I needed was the 5-piece to make sure I whispered minty-fresh nothings in her ear.” Yeah, this plan is great until she asks you for a piece and you pull that flimsy excuse for a pack of gum from your pocket. You tell me – is it a good thing when your date realizes you’re too cheap to keep your breath fresh all the time?
- If time is not a factor, Juicy Fruit is the best-tasting gum around. But if you want a balance of flavor and endurance from your gum, there’s nothing better than Extra Spearmint. Period.
- The Juicy Fruit 5-piece pack is the single worst purchase a human being can make. The only time it’s remotely acceptable is if you’re going to a movie and Juicy Fruit is going to be your candy selection. At least you’ll have something for the previews.
- Why do athletes chew gum? To stay hydrated? I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time believing that that miniscule trickle of saliva it generates is going to keep me going once I reach the fourth quarter.
- How in the world does Sugar-Free gum taste that good?
- For that matter, does Sugar gum even exist anymore? And if so, why?
Fruit Strip. Hands down the best 5 second flavor gum on the market. Puts Fruity Juice to shame.
Very good point. Fruit Stripe makes for an incredible 5 seconds. I would also throw Big League Chew into the mix.
Two words: Bubble Tape.
What about that “Gator Gum” that I remember from several years back? I think that stuff actually advertised that it increased hydration significantly. Bold faced lie…but I thought it was pretty good.
I have been stewing on this for a while. While warm and fuzzy emotions run through our minds as we remember a simpler time in life when we chewed FDA certified rubber known as Bubble Tape, Big League Chew, Bubblicious (and their 27 different flavors), and Fruit Stripe, there is no plausible reason to chew those now. It would be like when Michael Jordan made his comeback with the Wizards. All of our delightful and sweet memories are replaced by old, stale, fleeting glimpses of grandeur days.
Now, on to the topic of Juicy Fruit. Sure, that was a great gum to chew in high school. But holy moly how many pieces would you have to go through in one day? And do you remember getting into friends cars and finding it littered with those silver wrappers? I personally think the only thing those are good for is peeling off the silver backing and covering a binder or desk with it (You know you did it at least once or had a friend who did it way too much). Ultimately, if you chew Juicy Fruit at this stage in the game, you are saying the following about yourself, “Hey, I’m fun, I look good, and I’ll entertain you for a while. But you will find out I am a premature ejaculator or hussie and move on. I’ll keep sucking you in for more only to leave you more and more frustrated with your choice of me.”
This is stupid. This is a stupid post and way too long.
The only good gum is the kind with the harder outer shell. Everything else is a wet pigeon brain.
You all could use some reading time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOBDEhxd_WU&NR=1
Don’t ever write a long stupid post again and expect me to read it.