Worst Favorites
As I sit here and think about it, I can’t imagine a single person out there claims “Shallow Hal” as their favorite movie of all time.
Can you? I just can’t see a group of friends around a table at Olive Garden and arguing about favorite movies. Everyone goes around and says their particular favorite: Titanic, Goodfellas, The Cell (starring Jennifer Lopez), Total Recall, Braveheart, Captain Ron (the incredibly re-watchable movie starring Kurt Russell), Shakespeare in Love (I will never watch this movie out of an incredible grudge) and then, out of nowhere, Shallow Hall.
What? The record scratches, all the super-incredibly happy people at Olive Garden stop debating the different pasta-sauce combinations and stare. Shallow Fucking Hal? Are you serious? That movie was horrible.
I mean, sure, it had a good message – don’t judge people based on how they look. Yes. Great message. Sure. But the movie was horrible – down to the name. Shallow Hal. What? Is it a children’s book? I mean – it would make sense because it was a children’s message. But it was PG-13, I think most of us master that message in 2nd grade. Also. I don’t need a movie by the people who brought us “Something About Mary” and “Dumb and Dumber” to act as my moral compass.
Anyway, I bet someone out there just LOVES Shallow Hal. Can you imagine being on a date with someone and its getting late and they bring you back to their place. It’s decided that some movie watching and cuddling is in order. Then, you get hit with this convo:
“Let’s watch my all-time favorite movie”
“Oh. Ok. Sounds good. All-time favorite, huh? What is it?”
“Shallow Hal. It’s got Jack Black… remember?”
“What? Are you serious? Shallow Hal is your favorite movie all time? Who is your favorite band, if I may?”
“Oh. That’s easy. Keane.”
<BARFING> “Ok. I’m done. We’re done. Later. Enjoy your stupid movie and horrible band”
Rough!
Also, you’ll notice I took a pretty big swipe at Keane – Keane is the band version of Shallow Hal. How could anyone list Keane as their FAVORITE band? There is nothing special about this soggy band. They’re English, they’re fronted by a doughy Englishman, there songs are stupid and all sound the same… and that’s your favorite?
I’m all for parity. I know and understand the implications of the whole different-strokes-for-different-folks ideology. I get it. But seriously? Favorites? Such a waste.
Ok. So. I listed a few, Shallow Hal and Keane. You guys know any other “Favorites” that are completely inexcusable? Little Nicky ( I kind of liked this movie. So sue me.)? The New Kid (one of only a few movies I’ve walked out on)? The Shins (god I hate this band)? Gimme what you got.
I had an unfortunate encounter with a guy who lived and died by the band Hoobastank. That was a short conversation.
I had a friend who’s very favorite band was Fastball and the way i see it, a favorite that is completely mediocre is just as bad as a favorite that sucks.
….however, it is also a foul to have your favorites be too good. Case in point: a certain Surly Bird whose favorite sports teams are suspiciously dominant (the Lakers and the Yankees, two of the biggest dynasties in sporting history).
Please note: The Surly Bird in question’s favorite team is not the Yankees. It’s just the awesome back-up team he switches to when his true favorite team inevitably falls 17 games back in June. Feels good to win every once in a while, give me a break.
Oh, and yes. You are correct about the Lakers. Way better franchise than the Celtics. Or any other basketball franchise for that matter.
So, is anyone gonna talk about the cell? Seriously, why would that pos be anyone’s favorite movie? Vince Vaugh and J lo should really do more “serious” roles…