World’s Most Relevant Flower: The Tulip

We all know that our current global recession has been caused by “corporate greed” and “excess” and all those other populist buzz words that are supposed to get people all riled up. But did you know that back in 1637 there was another huge economic meltdown caused by none other than the tulip? Yep. Tulips. And now, since the showers of April are set to bring flowers in May, we thought it merited some deeper thought.

We’ve long felt Holland was a stupid country. But one thing about the home of Amsterdam is true, they’re bat shit crazy about tulips. Back in the 1630s, a single Tulip bulb could be traded for an entire estate. Can you imagine that? I don’t see any way that’s a good deal:

“Hey, you have that sweet new tulip bulb? Oh, you do? Cool. Here’s my house.”

I guess they didn’t have any Earl May stores back then, but still, how is that possible? Were all these people so hopped up on syphilis that they couldn’t understand what is and what is not a good deal? You know what? Add this as yet another of the many reasons I hate 17th century Europe.

Back to our story, I guess what happened was that soon people realized that they had been huge assholes and given away a house for a stupid flower that lasts for like 4 days before it goes bad. I know they’re perennials, but have you ever seen a tulip last? Ever? The answer is no. No you haven’t. Ever.

I think the moral of this story is that while we all sit around and talk about the people who bought million dollar homes on hourly salaries and how stupid they were… there have been dumber things that have happened. It’s like a bank loaning out a huge estate to a guy with seeds for <fill in worthless plant name here>. But you know what? When it came down to it, the Dutch pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and turned into one of the biggest, most laid back pussy countries in the world. And now I ask you, why can’t we do the same? (minus the whole pussy part of course)