Why I Hate The Ocean Pt. 2

Time for another installment of why I hate the ocean. If you’ll remember, in the first one, we talked about jelly fish and goblin sharks. And while those two animals both originated from the depths of Hell, we were merely scratching the surface. I literally can’t think of a more terrifying thing than the ocean. Let’s see why.

• Drinking the water can make you dehydrated. Can you believe that? What an unbelievable bastard the ocean is. Surrounded by water but I can’t drink it because I’ll die of not having enough water. Are you kidding me? Thanks for nothing you stupid asshole.
• Pirates. Yep. I guess they’re still around. I thought this was 2009, not 1642 or something. Here’s the thing I’ve never understood with these pirates – it’s not like they’re sophisticated. Just give your sailors a couple machine guns and a bazooka or something and your problem is solved.  
• Angler Fish. I guarantee that these things were around with the dinosaurs and Pangea and all that bullcrap. They were still horrifying then.
• Giant Isopod. This thing is literally out of a nightmare. I think I was like 7 and I had a dream that these things invaded the earth and enslaved mankind. I’m pretty sure it ended with me doing a really cliché sit-up-in-bed-and-scream thing. I was a lame kid.
• You can drown in the ocean. I think the only way that death could be worse is if you somehow managed to burn alive while you were drowning. That’d really be a son-of-a-bitch. “You hear how Jimmy died? Yeah. He was burning alive so he jumped in the ocean to put out the flames and he fucking drowned. I know, right?”
• The Chimaera. I imagine if I were President and found out these things were endangered I would not protect them. Now the manatee, I’d take care of those gentle creatures.

• Red Tides. In World War II, Allied pilots would bomb Japanese ships by simply following the algae bloom that their propellers churned up. I hate snitches, and the ocean is a huge snitch.

• Oar fish. What a terrible, awful, no-good animal. I can’t even talk about it. To be honest, I can pretty much say that I hate the entire Order of Lampriformes. I hope that entire group of animals disappears.
• Getting Lost: I can hardly make it to a Taco Bell and back without getting a little bit lost. If you gave me a sailboat, a sextant and a map I would end up dead in four days. Probably from drinking the seawater.
• Lava. If you go deep enough, there’s lava seeping through the ocean floor. You’re minding your own business, walking along the ocean floor when you step into lava and burn alive which causes you to drown. Which, as we’ve already discussed, is awful.

• The phrase, “I hope <BLANK> falls into the ocean.” That shows you exactly what people think of the ocean. They hope the worst things in the world need to go and reside in it. Figures.