Why I Hate the Human Body: Tiredness
So, I’ve got numerous gripes with the human body – a huge one being that it takes way too much upkeep. However, most of my gripes center on the fact that I have no clue how it works. The whole thing is a mystery to me. But here’s the real point I’m trying to make, have you ever said, thought or heard, “man, I was so tired I couldn’t sleep” ? I know for a fact that I’ve said, thought, experienced and heard that. It’s another bodily phenomena that I don’t get and don’t necessarily like.
It’s been a long day. Maybe you’ve changed your routine. Added in some intense exercises or something else that has just worn you down to nothing. You get home and you’re so tired that you just kind of lie on your couch and stare through the TV. It hurts to move. All you want is sleep. Crave sleep. Until you finally say, “To hell with it, it may only be 8:12 pm, but I’m calling it a night.”
Sounds reasonable. The mere act of being awake somehow makes you sore. Consciousness starts to feel like stretching your hamstrings. You’re so tired you no longer can classify it as human. You’re now dog tired (something I’ve never understood – it may just be me, but when has laying around all day and licking your butt ever made you that tired?).
You do your little pre-bed routine, but you even go as far as to truncate it a little bit. Maybe I won’t floss tonight. Maybe I won’t wash my face. Maybe I won’t change into pajamas.
You lay down. Things seem to be going well. Then several hours pass and you’re still awake as ever. Just lying there. Legs still hurt. Body still out of gas. Completely unable to make that final jump to Slumberland Junction.
Well fuck you human body. Give me a goddamn break. Maybe if you hadn’t been such a pussy I wouldn’t feel so tired. But no, you gave up on me and now I’m left to sit here trapped in this stupid body and unable to sleep. You think I want to be in bed this early? I had plans. I was going to update my resume. I was going to play word puzzles on the Internet. I was even going to take some time to think about cleaning my kitchen floor.
The human body is a harsh mistress. And I really hate her guts sometimes. I need her to give me straight talk. When I go to bed, I expect I feel tired so sleep is near. What I don’t need is I feel tired so I better stay awake uncomfortably in my bed while I notice that my sheet may be coming un-tucked a little bit… I need to fix that, its gonna bother me all night… man, my shoulder itches… maybe I should change position…
Stay Tuned for the next installment in my series about hating the Human Body, it will attempt to understand the Accidental Gleek.
Thank you, Birds. This anomaly of the human body happened to last night. I play basketball competitively for my high school. Five hours of body numbing practice later, I’m home thinking, “Wow, its 9:30. Its a little early, but what the hell? I’m exhausted, and my legs are cement, so why not hit the sack now.” So I hurry up my routine; brushing my teeth with lightning speed, and i hop in bed. Then wait, and wait, and wait. And check the clock, and check the clock, and check the clock. THe seconds ticking by start mocking me; telling me how much of a loser I am. “Trying to go to sleep when you’re exhausted; you must be insane,” the seconds remark. My body just laughs, saying “HA! Tell him, time. I’m just trying to make sure he wakes up even more tired than before.”
To make matters worse, I must have heard every FedEx plane in their arsenal take off last night out of my driveway. Just before falling not so much into sleep but more a coma, BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. Another plane takes off, laughing at my pain.
Sleep is great, when it happens.
The worst is when you end up becoming more awake from lying in your bed for hours. There are days when I couldn’t do jack squat at 8, but run a marathon at midnight.
I have long held that sleep is the biggest waste of time ever. What do you call it when you sit on your couch and watch TV for 8 hours straight? A wasted day. What do you call it when you lay in your bed and close your eyes for 8 hours straight? A good night’s sleep. I just don’t get it. Yes, I need the sleep, and I can’t function without it. But how amazing would it be if we had those extra 8 hours every day, and we could be 50% more productive? We would have a human civilization, complete with government, on the moon right now. Not because we need it, but just for the hell of it. Screw sleep…if I didn’t need you I wouldn’t even talk to you.