What Ever Happened To Those Stupid White Hats?
In traditional Surly Birds fashion, we’re beginning the week with a new series. This time, we’re going to be taking a look back at things that used to dominate our lives, and then all of a sudden, disappeared into thin air. Example number one – those stupid white hats that every single guy in the world, and even some girls used to wear everywhere. Remember those? Yeah, we thought you did. How can you forget?
What’s so fascinating about these hats isn’t that they were such big sellers. I mean, they incorporated “dirty” puns with a school’s mascot and sold them to Joe College and Joe College only. The marketing plan was brilliant, really. Take advantage of the morons who think they’re pulling one over on the rest of society by sporting a sexual innuendo on their brow. I wish I had thought of it. But what is so fascinating about these deities of double entendre is their quick and complete fall from grace. Seriously, you can’t find these things anywhere.
Now, I know that the youth of America hasn’t gotten any smarter. I know this because of the popularity of shows like The Hills, the use of the word ‘mad’ to precede everything and the $72 million opening for the 17th installment of the Fast and Furious franchise. (Really, you should all do yourselves a favor and talk to a teenager. Count how long it takes him before he describes something as ‘mad good’. It’s stunning.) So why did these hats up and disappear like, as Warden Norton would say, a fart in the wind? I have no idea. Do you?
And while you’re thinking, here are some of the most popular hats from back in the day. Remember, what made these hats so special was that the person wearing it thought he had cracked some humor code and was enlightening the world to his pun. And more than that, he thought he was the only one with the moxie to wear it. I mean really, you have to applaud the manufacturer of these gems for their ability to take advantage of these feeble minds.
Cocks – This was the favorite – the top dog. This was the most overt sexual reference out there and was so clever that it simply used the last 5 letters of South Carolina’s mascot. Real stroke of genius there.
Cougars – $5 to anyone who can name the college for which this hat was named. No takers? It was College of Charleston. That’s right. College of Charleston. Now don’t lie, I know how many of you out there are closet fans of C of C. No? Ok, well at least you had the most culturally relevant hat for the year 2009.
Woody – You gotta want it. See, the relation to Ohio State is obvious to most fans of Ohio State, or football for that matter. The guy is a coaching legend. But what’s fun about this particular hat was all the people who wore it who had no idea who Woody Hayes was. Wait a minute….Woody….oh! A penis reference! Now I see….
Beavers – Sought out by those especially classy young gentlemen all dads hope their daughter ends up dating.
Trojans – This one I saw a lot, but never understood why. I mean, the last thing I’d want my head associated with is condoms. Wow, the puns are just piling up all over the place.
Head – Moorehead State, naturally. This one I actually can’t complain about. The school was asking for it. And there’s no way these hats were the first to capitalize on the name.
Brew U – This one is famous for always being disgusting. I don’t know why, but it was never, ever white. Any guy who wore a Brew U hat had worn it so much that it had turned brown from sweat. Sure, it happened to others. But not at this rate. Oh, and it’s for Brewmeister University. I’ve never heard of it either.
So that’s it folks. I know I’m missing several – fill ‘em in for me and let’s discuss their greatness, along with the greatness of those that wore them.
Shockers – Witchita State. There were a few of these around.
Long Beach State Dirtbags…Fun times!
[...] years behind the curve or something. Although, if you’re wearing a pair of cargo shorts and a white college mascot hat while saying it, maybe you’ve got other problems to worry [...]