The Breakfast Bar Conundrum
I’m not a big breakfast guy. I rarely eat it – even though I know its good for me. I just don’t like it, I really don’t like eating ever (too much of a process), but especially in the morning. Still, there are those days that I make the effort to stop at the 7-11 and pick up something to eat. And therein lies the problem. Picking a breakfast bar is a personal and revealing choice.
I say this because I stand before an aisle with Power Bars, Muscle Milk, NutriGrain, the one that’s full of oats and is really hard, Special K and more. Each one is marketed to a very distinct group, but none of them fit me well enough to be a home run. It’s a very personal choice, it’s like a window into who you are and what you believe. I’m a private person, so this makes me uncomfortable.
- Power Bar: Just the name is tough. Makes people think, “oh, this guy must think he’s awesome and love fighting”… I don’t. I don’t want the clerk to see me like that. I don’t want to be seen eating a Power Bar in the morning.
- Muscle Milk: See above and multiply it by 7
- NutriGrain: This is probably the safest of all choices, but that’s the problem. It lacks any zing. You know? It’s like loving neutral colors. It’s like water being your favorite drink. It’s like being completely average in every way. No thank you. (Plus, they were out.)
- The Oat one: Listen, I’m not some dirty hippie. Nice try. Also, its hard. Last thing I want in the morning is my teeth chomping into something and shockwaves then reverberating through my mandible.
- Special K: If you’re a woman, this one is perfect. If you’re a dude, its kind of girly. Like a driving a Pontiac Sunfire or something.
It was too much for me. I ended up with the Special K and instantly regretted it. I would have rather gone with NutriGrain. I tend to panic in these situations. What would you have gone with?
What I am about to suggest is no breakfast bar, it is so much more. I would without a doubt go with the Pop-Tarts. There really is no other choice.
General Mills cereal bars. The French Toast Crunch one is kick ass.
crap Cinamon Toast Crunch… That’s what I get for posting on a Friday afternoon.
Surly Bird,
#1- “I really don’t like eating ever (too much of a process)…” That is the most ludicrous statement I have ever heard. Eating is probably my #1 joy in life, beating out spending time with family/friends and masturbation. Sitting down with a nearly-painfully empty stomach, looking over a huge menu, ordering something that is just right for the mood I am in, and digging in once the food finally arrives…there’s simply nothing that beats it. Even cooking (which I do not like due to simple laziness) is tolerable because of the joy that comes after it. The variety and quality of foods is, in my opinion, America’s best quality. Being able to select from Chinese, Italian, fast food, real burgers, Mexican, hell even Indian foods or sushi any given night of the week is the definition of the American dream. Your disdain for eating is simply off-putting, my friend.
“…but especially in the morning.” WHAT?! Okay, so no one likes to get up earlier than they have to in order to enjoy a five-course meal, but breakfast (or, even better, brunch) food is the best of any meal’s! An omelette packed with just the right ingredients (for me sausage, ham, cheese, onions, tomatoes, maybe bacon), a cinnamon roll or another pastry, waffles, blueberry pancakes, biscuits ‘n’ gravy, you can’t go wrong with good breakfast food! Again, on an everyday occasion I typically opt for a bowl or two of cereal, but if I’m feeling motivated I’ll cook some scrambled eggs with shredded cheese. Your sheer disrespect of breakfast and the food that it encompasses sends me in a fit of rage.
Look, even if you disagree with me on these points (=dumb), stop being such a bitch and pick a breakfast bar. Will you feel full? No. Will you have enough energy through the day? Probably not. Select either the Nutrigrain or a Snickers marathon bar and stop worrying about what other people think about you…life’s too short.