Taking People Down a Peg: Armando Montelongo
Welcome to a new semi-regular feature on our fair site. It’s where we take it upon ourselves to take someone down a peg – and we’re kicking it off with super sweet, awesome real estate dude, Armando Montelongo.
Armando has an ultra-spectacular show on A&E where he basically bullies poor migrant workers and spends the rest of the time talking about how incredible he is. And when he’s not talking about “my business” or “making deals”, he’s telling someone how hot his wife is or forcing some untrained day laborer to remove mold for pennies on the dollar – risking the lives of both the worker and the family that decides to buy his “neutral color palette” creation.
You know what? I bet on at least 3 nights of the week, one could find Armando watching Boiler Room and reciting all the lines* The other 4 nights, he’s probably watching Scarface. Afterward, he probably does 10-17 pull ups. I’d even bet Armando has a Bowflex because “I can get a better workout so I can close more sweet fucking deals. And these aren’t just your average weights, people. Bowflex is for the strong of heart – the strong of mind… I love myself.”
Plus, the more I watch, the more I realize that one thing has become crystal clear – this guy has no friends. His brother even hates him. Whenever they show him during off-time, he’s either with his family (his wife has to be so sick of him, they probably sleep in twin beds so she doesn’t bother him while he practices deals in his sleep) or he’s by himself. I guarantee I wouldn’t hang out with this incredible Internet Millionaire.
“Yes, Armando, we already talked about your business and about how hard real estate is…”
“No, I don’t want to go throw rocks at migrant workers by the Home Depot.”
This guy sucks. In one episode, he actually bets a co-worker that he can flip a house better. So what does this crazy asshole wager? Well, if he loses, he’ll dye his hair blonde. BLONDE! Can you believe the cajones on this guy? That’s insane! Who in their right mind would dye their completely awesome black hair to blonde! He’s gonna look ridiculous! Oh wait, what’s that? Oh yeah, we’re not in high school anymore. That bet isn’t edgy or risky or cool unless you’re some suburban soccer mom (they probably wouldn’t even be impressed). Here’s a bet – if you lose, you’ll have to be trapped in a room with a wolf, and only one of you can come out. That way, there’s some real consequences. But no, you’re right, dying your hair blonde is pretty bad ass.
It’s has to be tough for him though, everyone knows the first Flip This House guy, Richard Davis, was a lot better. Armando is playing second fiddle. But at least he’s managed to take his dirtbag real estate business and parlay it into something respectable – a dirtbag Internet get-rich-quick scheme.
So, Armando. The Surly Birds deem you awful. No real business person would ever respect you. You don’t impress us one bit.
Next Up to be taken down a peg: Patty, the disgusting woman behind Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker.
*Don’t believe me about Boiler Room? For those of you who are fans of the show, below is a quote from Boiler Room. I beg you to try and tell me it doesn’t sound just like Armando: “You Want details? Fine. I drive a Ferrari 355 Cabriolet, What’s up? I have a ridiculous house in the South Fork. I have every toy you
Also, here’s a clip of Armando being a huge pussy:
Oh Man! You never know what kind of hilarity will ensue with these home flippers!
Spot on…can’t stand this guy. What a douche!
i love his contractor in the attached video, he says “today is the greatest day ever” when the asshole who occasionally pays him – when he’s not verbally abusing – him falls in a shitty pool.
i can only hope that someday my children will get to live in a house in which mold, termites and rat holes have been painted over.
I cannot adequately express how much of a tool I think that Armando is, and I’m glad you have done such a great job for me. I sometimes get sucked in to watching this show just to remind myself how much he sucks, and that clip is the best thing I have ever seen. Touché.
Wow! You guys nailed it! Absolutely. I love that after being completely embarrassed and outed as a complete doucher, he tries to dump on the girl. What a larry!!! And speaking of “Patti” can you take the whole Bravo network down a peg too while you’re at it? What the hell happened to that thing.
Nice work. This show really pisses me off. Last year I had a stonework patio built for $8,000. Nothing fancy, just something for the backyard. This prick tears down and rebuilds homes for $10,000. Every episode’s a sick montage of illegals doing $5,000 worth of plumbing for ten bucks and a cookie. He’s got his guys doing a complete gut reno. for $17,500? Are you kidding? These guys must be illegals from the eighteenth century. They’re not even working for money; they’re working for twigs and gravel. I can’t believe that this show’s still airing. Armando’s engine blows a tie rod and he wants the work done for $100. Fuck you, Armando.