My Apology to Soda Drinkers
Dear basically everyone in the world,
I realized something this weekend – something troubling, and honestly, quite upsetting. I realized that I’m one of those people I hate. I realized I’m one of the many Americans out there who gave up drinking soda of any kind in favor of other, more healthy alternatives. And I realized how pompous, and quite frankly, annoying I must come across to anyone else that hasn’t.
You see, I love soda. Or pop. Or whatever it’s called. Sometimes, there’s nothing better than the taste of an ice-cold Pepsi on a hot summer day. Or a tangy Mountain Dew with my latest Taco Bell run. But about a year ago, I gave up this vice of mine and turned to water. Now, don’t get me wrong. Water sucks. There are few things in this world that are as unsatisfying as a glass of water. It’s not like I have to choke it down or anything, but, you know… it’s like coloring on a piece of paper with a white crayon.
So why did I do it? Well, that’s the thing.
You don’t want to know why I did it. You don’t care. And you’d probably get annoyed just for me telling you. That’s the reality I was faced with this weekend. See, I was hanging out with a group of friends and they offered me a soda. I politely declined. Then of course, knowing my affinity for soda, they replied, “that’s not the Zach we know.” (Yes, my friends talk solely in idioms.) So I had to explain why I had stopped drinking soda. I had to explain why I was drinking water. And when all was said and done, it basically came across like I was explaining why I was better than my friends.
So, I know I’m not the only one out there like this. I know there are tons of you that have given up pop, fast food, desserts, carbs, blah blah blah. Good for us. But you should know that we… I… come across as those people we used to hate. We come across as idignant assholes who seem to have figured out this incredible secret that no one else has. We’re like those people who read Money magazine’s top 10 stocks for 2009 and think we’ve got the insider info on hot stock tips. I’m sure no one else has heard of Monsanto, right?
So on behalf of “the friend” that each one of you out there undoubtedly has, the friend that’s just given up something for health reasons, and then rubs it in your face, I’m sorry. I really am. We/I suck. And it’s time we asked your forgiveness.
In accordance with the aforementioned, I too suck, and politely request your forgiveness.
People who work out and follow strict diets are kind of like evangelical christians. I mean, they are constantly judging you and making comments about your lifestyle. Fuck off, and let me ruin my own life.
Dear Mr. Bojangles,
You are an idiot. Stop ruining my life by making ridiculous comments.
Yours truly,
Jon Mark
John > Jon