Misguided Childhood Dreams: Cowboy
When I was growing up, my family was always a big fan of Westerns. Cowboys riding around, shooting at stuff constantly. It seemed awesome. So, of course, I wanted to be a cowboy when I got all growed up. Little did I know how stupid that really was.
- Being a Cowboy Would Be Boring: Sure, it looks awesome, all kinds of shootouts and chases and exciting stuff. But that’s only the stuff that makes it to screen. What they don’t show is the 16 hours these guys just spent digging a hole or “tending” a fence. In fact, the life of a cowboy would suck. I need you to get on this horse and ride 30 miles with these cattle. Then, when you’re done, ride back. And I’m not going to pay you much for it.
- Poor Hygiene: As a kid, the prospect of never cleaning myself appeared sweet. But, after four years of college where I tested that approach, I can tell you, its horrible. Tooth decay and gingivitis are terrible. Also, shaving with a huge knife might look incredible, but I bet the novelty wears off the first time you slash your cheek open.
- Indians: I’m fine with Indians. I think they’re awesome. I fully support sweat lodges and vision quests and all that bull crap. But, from the viewpoint of a cowboy, these guys would blow. You’re minding your business, riding through Utah when you get hit with an arrow in your kidney. No thanks.
- Exposure: Snakebites. Saddle sores. Sunburn. Dehydration. Scorpions. Rocks in the boots. These are all things you have to deal with to be a cowboy – the prerequisites if you will. One on it’s own would be awful, but all of that together is just the pits. Seriously, would you sign on to a job where you know you’d probably be bitten by a copperhead? Neither would I.
- Being Technologically Illiterate: One downfall of spending all that time on the trail is that when you got somewhere with some modern conveniences you’d have no idea how to use them. Even a microwave would probably be a chore. No one wants to be the guy who struggles with the microwave – looking like an idiot trying to make a bag of popcorn. There’s a popcorn button! Just press it! It literally takes all the guesswork out of popcorn.
- Wyatt Earp: I feel like I would really hate this butthole if I were a cowboy. I’d be his huckleberry any day.
- Banks: I’m a man who likes to feel welcome. Well, if I’m a cowboy I think I’d be getting the stink eye from everyone in the joint. Yes, I need to deposit some birthday money I just got – so what if I’m wearing spurs. I’m a goddamn cowboy, this is like my “apron” if I were a chef.
Any other reasons y’all can think of?
I’d like to take a moment and list the pros of being a cowboy:
1. Guilt-free sex with hookers. I know what you’re saying, “hookers are gross.” But, everybody was gross in the 1800’s and STDs were less prevalent. Plus, if you did get an STD, just rub a little dirt on it and get back to doing cowboy stuff. No room for pussies out on the range.
2. Alcohol. Not only is drinking encouraged, but nobody ever gets down on a cowboy for showing up to work drunk. It’s expected. Plus, all your drinks are in shot form. Cowboys party.
3. If somebody gets in your way, you have free reign to shoot them. Gotta love lawlessness. Pistols at noon would be my choice for vengeance.
4. Cool nicknames such as: The Duke, Hoss, Cisco, Butch, Hop-along, Curly, The Sundance Kid. I guarantee you’d never run into a cowboy named Bryce or Lance or Lewis on a cattle drive.
5. Chuck Wagon Cookouts, enough said.
6. Finally, here’s a list I’ve compiled of other cool cowboy things that I’m too lazy to write about: robbing trains, rescuing damsels, spittoons, tumble weeds, hiding in caves/caverns, cool facial hair, bandanas, cussing, telling tall tales, chili. You get the picture. Nice try Surly birds, being a cowboy would totally kick ass.
Advantage: Cowboys start every morning with an awesome breakfast that their wife got up at 3am to make them. We are talking right out of a Folgers commercial. Im picturing fluffy biscuits, hot coffee, thick cut bacon and all the “fixins”.
Disadvantage: Thirty to thirty five minutes later that breakfast is needing to clear some room out of the old intestines. You are up in the north forty with nowhere to squat but under the old hickory and whats worse, you probably arent packing an charmin in the old saddle bag. Think about what that inferior cleanup job is going to feel like after 7 more hours in the saddle and under 105 degree heat. Utter misery, no wonder cowboys always look pissed off and walk all bow legged.
Winner: Surly Birds
We agree. Dan wins big time.