John Boehner (R-Oh). Awful Name. Awesome Voice.
America, I’d like you to meet John Boehner. He’s the current Minority leader in the U.S. House of Representatives – but I think he may just be the world’s next great voiceover man.
Listening to his Marlboro-fied voice makes me think of NFL Films highlights. It makes me think of TWIBB (This Week In Baseball). It’s a voice full of authority – a little bit bass, a little bit gruff and a whole lotta awesome.
But don’t think I’m saying this because I like Johnny B. I don’t. I don’t trust him or his deep, mid-Janurary tan –he’s from Ohio, not a place known for its killer rays.
I also don’t think it sends a good message that a guy whose name is Boehner is the most powerful Republican in the United States. But I do have to admit, the symmetry of it all is perfect. Here’s a guy whose name looks just like the word b*ner* and he’s the one in charge of guiding Republican efforts.
And now, it’s only right that I take part my Constitutionally granted power of keeping the government in check through copy. That’s why I’m introducing a new feature I call ‘Boehnered!’ where I’ll be highlighting some real legislative b*ners of his:
- Voted NO on regulating the subprime mortgage industry. Ba-ba-ba-Boehnered!
- Voted NO on maintaining right of habeas corpus in Death Penalty Appeals. Biggity-Boehnered!
- Voted YES on speeding up approval of forest thinning projects. Say it with me Greenpeace BOEHNERED!
- Voted NO on protecting whistleblowers from employer recrimination. Yo whistleblowers, you just been BOEHNERED!
- Voted YES on decreasing gun waiting period from 3 days to 1. Innocent victims? Boehnered!
- Voted NO on adding 2 to 4 million children to SCHIP eligibility. Kids? BOEHNERED!
- • Voted NO on the Stimulus. Millions of Americans losing jobs and money? BOEHNERED!
I’ve come up with a great solution for Representative Boehner. Lets give him a radio show or a gig doing movie voiceovers or let him replace Joe Morgan on Sunday Night Baseball. That way we can listen to his incredible pipes but rid our congress of another b*ner… sorry, Boehner.
*Yes, I know he doesn’t actually pronounce it B*ner, but come on. You don’t get to decide how words sound when it’s convenient. It’s like the kid whose last name is Fuchs who pronounces it Few-ks or the kid named Koch who pronounces it Cook. We all know what’s going on.
Please note, the astriks in the word b*ner are not because I don’t think you can handle the word, but because we keep getting spammed about b*ner pills.
Mr. Boehner may in fact have a great voice but if you ask me, he’s a thief. I would like to take you back to a time in the not so distant past…a time when Mr. Boehner was challenging Mr. Roy Blunt (from Missouri) for Majority Leader. I’m sure you recall the details of this heated battle but just in case you forgot let me remind you…
It should have been suspicious enough that there was one more ballot cast than members present but that wouldn’t slow them down. But who cares about the details we’re talking about Republicans here. What’s another stolen election anyway, but I digress. So the ballots were counted and the decision was made. Mr. Boehner would take the seat and Mr. Blunt would remain as the number three. Years would pass and Mr. Boehner would go on to be the most powerful Republican in the House. All I can say is that you were robbed, Mr. Blunt, you were robbed. Or maybe I should I say, you were Boehnered, Mr. Blunt, you were really Boehnered.
Is it me, or does this guy look drunk 97.3% of the time?