So You Think You Can Dance: Billy Bell

Top Chef: Angelo or Kenny

The Next Great Artist: Miles

Hells Kitchen: Who gives a shit?

Let us know yours.

After that, I scramble for some songs I remember really liking at some point in my life, like “Run Around” by Blues Traveler or “Flagpole Sitta” by Harvey Danger or that one song Eve 6 had that is awesome for 30 seconds then sucks dick the rest the time. And finally, I almost always throw in “Changes” by Tupac – I seriously have that song on like 14 CDs I’ve made.

I look through the list and feel pretty good. In theory, I should love this CD, after all, I like all the songs on it. But theory and practice are quite different. Immediately I realize song five is a “skipper”, if I listen to this CD 100 times, I will immediately skip this song 100 of the times. Its dead weight, taking up a perfectly good spot for another song. God dammit.

I realize I accidently put the horrible live version of song 12 on here. The quality is awful and just isn’t as good as the recorded version, plus it gets randomly cut off about three minutes in. Fuck.

I find that I have somehow put the same song on here twice at numbers six and 14. How did that happen? I reviewed this list several times! It was fucking perfect!

And finally, another flaw hits me. This CD is several genres – rock, folk, gangster rap – its all over the place. There’s no way I can get into a groove with this. Even worse, I put serious time into naming this CD, I gave it an awesome name like “Mixtastic, the Best CD I’ve Ever Made.”

See. This is why I hate burning CDs.

Stay tuned for the dorky looking guy, he owns.

I’m in a god damn awful mood.

But why? I just got here. I got plenty of sleep. There’s nothing that’s wrong… except the outfit. Could this one bad day in my clothing roto have thrown me this far off? Because, I’m seriously in a bad mood now and I’m sulking around the office. I’m brooding at my desk and cringing at requests for me to do my job. People ask what’s wrong, because I’m obviously off, but I don’t really have an answer.

I assumed I just woke up “on the wrong side of the bed” but maybe its the outfit! I can’t tell people that, I mean, I haven’t really allowed myself to recognize that this shitty outfit is just throwing me completely off my game. But it is. The outfit is the problem.

How is this possible?

Even worse, I knew this would never work. I knew I should have never worn it.

God dammit.

What a waste.

Does this happen to anyone else? Does anyone else realize they’re in a horrible mood only to realize it’s because they’re wearing their least favorite clothes? Why don’t I just get rid of the offending shirt? It’s just going to happen again. And again. How do clothes have this effect?

Your thoughts are welcomed, together we can fully understand Bad Outfit Syndrome

• Confused Lady in the Middle of the Aisle: I look at shopping like driving with the cruise control on, the worst possible thing is when I have to hit the brakes because someone in front of me is driving like an asshole. So, when I’m speeding down the spice aisle and get faced with an older lady wearing a visor and white Keds planted in the middle of the aisle looking confusedly at the shelf, I have to hit the brakes. Worst part is that this woman NEVER realizes that you’re standing right there. She’s holding up traffic on both sides but is completely unaffected, she needs her Vegemite or whatever. So, you try to get kind of close so she can sense you but it doesn’t help or she just moves her cart an inch to the side… meaning she is now under the impression you have enough room. It’s probably the best you’re going to get. So,  you have to try and sneak through but the whole thing is just awkward and throws you off your game.
• The Register Situation: I’ve been to the store enough to know when a cashier is going to be fucking incredible and when they’re going to be awful. But, if the incredible cashier has a line of two or more people and the sucky one is open, you have to take the sucky one. Even though the sucky one doesn’t have a bagger and looks pissed because they’re working. Even though the incredible one is FLYING through and ringing the shit out of everything. You can’t stand in line for the awesome one and just look over at the empty line, its too obvious. So you have to stand there and avert your eyes. But, you do that and the shitty cashier comes out and says that she/he is open and you should just go there. So you do. And its as awful as you thought it’d be. He/she takes forever, bags things all wrong, types in the wrong codes on the produce. Meanwhile, in the time its taken your cashier to get half of your stuff rung up, the incredible one has flown through like 6 people. Of course. Always.
• Not Finding Stuff: You’ve decided to do a recipe. You’re excited about it. However, its pretty specific. You go to what you think is a pretty thorough store, not specialty but a good selection. They’ll surely have it. But. They don’t. You’ve scoured the entire store. It doesn’t make sense, they should have it! I mean, they have rare spices from Bangladesh but they don’t have this! What?! Maybe you should look again. Maybe you missed it. Nope. Still nothing. God dammit. Who is even buying this other shit? No one. It’s not possible. There is no way someone is making something that involves some of the stuff they DO have here. But they could just get what you wanted? Fuck.
• Grocery Store Small Talk: So. Here’s the deal. I make dinners and meals from recipes I see in a book. I don’t know anything about the ingredients. I don’t know how they pair with wine. I don’t know if they’re organic or locally grown or grass fed or anything. I saw that I needed to buy it, so I’m buying it. But every once in a while, someone will make conversation with me as I’m grabbing the ingredient. Now, I don’t want to come off like some sociopath. I like people. I like conversations. I just hate being exposed as an idiot. And that’s what happens. I can’t speak intelligently about food because I don’t know anything you can’t learn from watching Top Chef. So, when these people are talking to me about stuff and asking me about ingredients, I have no idea what to say, so I just shrug. Or say, “yeah, it’s good”. Or laugh and go, “boy, I don’t know”. There’s no good transition. I suppose I should just learn about them so I can talk intelligently. But that seems like a lot of work.

Ok. Your turn, what’d we miss?

First, come the news stories about how soccer isn’t popular in the US. Here’s how they go: no one likes soccer, a lot of little kids play soccer, maybe its gaining some popularity, we’ll see.

Then, come all the stories about soccer “hotties.”

And then, come people buying jerseys and getting up early to watch the games.

You’re in heaven. Your sport finally matters! This is the day! You’re on the cusp. You’re leading the charge. People ask you about players. They ask your opinion… about soccer. Yes! It’s happening. Your sport is relevant!

But realize this soccer fan, it’s not the sport, its just that people get super nationalistic with two things: international competitions and war.

That’s it.

How do I know? People care about curling. People care about downhill slalom and cross country skiing. People care about rowing. Until the Olympics end.

Then, they go back to hating/not caring about it.

Why? Because people aren’t interested in the actual sport. They’re interested in America beating the shit out of foreigners. They want to see American technology and willpower pound others into fucking dust. America beat Latvia in Men’s Gymnastics? Fuck yeah! Fuck you Latvia, kiss our huge, sick American ass! Go back to being meaningless.

We destroyed Cambodia in skeet shooting? God. Damn. Right. Fucking pricks, who did they think they were? Did they think they could challenge America?

What? We lost to Madagascar (is that a country?) in soccer? Dammit. Well, we’d beat the ever-loving shit out of them in basketball.

So. All I’m saying is soak it in soccer fan. It’s gonna be over before you know it.

That’s all.

• Response Time: If you text me, you’ll get a swift response unless I’m super busy or not around my phone or in the middle of a complicated cooking maneuver. Otherwise, I’m pretty on top of it. I like getting quick responses, so I make sure that I live up to my own expectations. But then there are times when I will immediately answer a text, then I don’t receive any acknowledgment or response to my text for hours. This bothers me because, barring some network issue, I will literally have JUST written back. Its guaranteed. So did you text me then decide “you know what? I don’t care WHAT he has to say”… I mean, you texted me! Now I look like the asshole. It makes me self conscious of the quick turnaround. Like, is the other person just baffled with my lack of a life because of how swiftly I answer all inquiries? So. Sometimes I’ll try and wait a bit. That way I don’t seem so desperate for conversation. But, even with the wait, I’m quicker than most in my response. So much pressure.
• Ending the Text Convo: How do you end a god damn text conversation? Is there an easy way to do it? I don’t want to be brusque and cut it off when the other person is enjoying it – but I run out of stuff to say. Sometimes I have nothing else to add to the conversation. Before you know it, I’m just giving one word replies. “Yeah, hahaha” and “cool”. All I want is for the conversation to be over. I want to go back to watching TV or reading a book or whatever I’m doing. But. I don’t want to be a dick about it. So. I reply. Because who knows if I’m not the one dragging it on and the other person is just being polite. I mean, I’m sure that I’ve dragged on before while the other person looked to the sky and said, “Will you please stop fucking texting me!” The worst moment is when you think its finally over and then it gives you that little ring. Fuck! We’re back at it. Maybe there can be a limit? Five back-and-forths. Then its cool if you just stop responding? That sounds fair. Right? Deal.
• Uneven Word Count: I don’t like when I’m in a text conversation and I’m doing a lot of typing and getting short, couple-word responses. I mean, I get it if I’ve dragged it on (see above) but if it’s a pretty fresh convo, I think there should be a pretty even word count on both sides. This disparity makes me feel like a kid whose been cooped up at home all day on summer break and goes crazy when a parent gets home because they finally – FINALLY – have someone to talk to… but the parent is fucking tired from work so they’re just like, “yeah… yeah… ok”… all the parent wants is some time to relax and this little kid is nipping at their heels like a chihuahua. And I don’t like feeling like that.
• The “Oh Shit, Did They Take That Wrong” Pause: Sometimes in the course of a text conversation you’ll say something that you think is funny  but could certainly be taken wrong out of context – or without proper non-verbal cues. Up until then, the convo had been going well, with relatively quick responses by both sides. But, after your little risque entry, you don’t get a response back. Oh Shit, you think. Did they take that wrong? Then, you fucking freak out and try to text something else to make sure stuff is still cool. Inevitably, they had just gotten a call and weren’t able to reply… which is a relief because you were freaking out the whole time.

Man. Texting is awful.

And. Just like that, you’re done.

You’ve completed your super intense workout in a mere fraction of the time.

I wish I could get such a complete workout in such a small amount of time. I don’t know how you do it.

And, good work on the gym membership. I’ve only seen you in here once, but I just know that you’re not wasting your money. No. You thought this out. You’re committed. You probably come in every  day and bust out six really-fast reps at the fly machine then did some pulldowns then you probably sprinted on the treadmill. And that was it. Body, sculpted.

It wasn’t even 10 minutes and you were done.

You’re an inspiration to all of us.