We know what you’re thinking. And we know why you’re thinking it. In fact, we know everything about you - why you do the things you do, why you say the things you say. Don’t believe us? Read on. And please, feel free to learn a little about yourself in the process.
The Grass is Greener: You just met the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen. You talked. You connected. You became a thing. You’re finally happy. Now, simply stop reading, watching tv, surfing the web, leaving your house – stop interacting with anyone forever and you should be fine. Because the second you do, you’ll find your new dream girl. You’ll find someone who’s better looking in some way. Better face, better legs, better stomach – you’ll find it. So quit thinking it’s a phase. Quit trying to rise above it. You’re not a bad person. You’re just human. The grass is always and will always be greener. Always. Don’t believe me? Just ask John Mayer.
The Road Is For Cars: If you are of the mindset that you want to ride a bike everywhere, great. We applaud your effort. But don’t ride down the middle of the street, especially when you have four cars behind you. And don’t get all indignant about it, either. Outside your other hipster friends who go to dank bars and enjoy bands that all eventually “sell out,” no one thinks it’s cool or honorable. The road is for cars. Pull over. Or else you deserve all the honking you get.
Mind the Gap: No one likes standing in line. In fact, there are only two things that make standing in line bearable: moving up in line and getting to the end of the line. So don’t be an idiot and leave the gap in front of you. When the person in front of you moves up, you should be prepared to move an equal distance forward – more if possible. You have to stay on top of it. I don’t care how interesting Carol’s story about her sister’s lake house is. Turn around and put your feet back in your neon Crocs and move. You have to mind the gap – or at least tell me I can move ahead of you.
Socks Should Be Taut: Floppy socks are disgusting. I mean, how old are you? Five? Pull them up. Be an adult. We don’t need that extra material hanging off your toes, bouncing around while you walk. Remember the kid from elementary school who always had a runny nose, unkempt hair and somehow always managed to get dirt on his hands? He had floppy socks. How do we know? Because floppy socks are disgusting. Socks should be taut.
You’re Not a Big Shot: Tonight is the night. You and your friends are gonna take the town over. The guys rented some tuxedos. The gals got their hair in an up-do. It’s party time. But listen big shot, before you go around thinking you’re awesome, remember one thing – your limo has a phone number on the side. You know, so everyone who sees you party animals knows that they can rent the same ride for a deposit. True big shots don’t advertise their limo. Nice try.
One Excuse is Enough: You get invited out. You don’t want to go. You REALLY don’t want to go. But there’s no good reason for it. You just don’t feel like it. You just kinda wanted to hang out at your place, not go to a social thing. There’s one of two things you can do. Be honest and just say you don’t want to go. Or, try Plan B – making up several little excuses that hopefully amount to a one bona fide excuse. But here’s the thing chief, Plan B never works. Since when do you do laundry, go to the grocery store, shampoo your carpet, get your dog neutered and meet your mom/dad/brother/sister for dinner in the same night? The more excuses, the less I believe you. Just stick with “Can’t go, got a thing.” One excuse is enough.
No Comb-marks: Listen, if you’re a dude and you LOVE the comb-all-my-hair-straight-forward-and-flip-up-the-front-with- tons-of-gel look, that’s fine. To each his own, right? Let me tell you this, though, it’s NEVER cool to be able to see your perfectly separated comb-marks. If I can look at you and say, “yep, that dude used a fine tooth comb” you probably don’t look very awesome. This isn’t irrigating a field. It’s hair. Muss it up a bit. Make it look natural. Cool even. All the effort you’re putting into creating a perfect parallel line is being wasted. Trust us.