Your Typical Poolgoers
There’s nothing that says summer more than a swimming pool. That’s why last weekend, I cracked open the sun tan lotion, grabbed a few towels and headed to the concrete water haven I know and love. Except that five minutes after I arrived, I remembered I hate swimming pools. A lot. And last weekend only served as a reminder as to why.
See, the thing about pools is they’re all the same. If you’ve been to one, you’ve been to them all. Unless you’re at some resort somewhere. That’s different, and most likely, that pool’s going to have some awesome slide or waterfall that overwhelms any negatives the clientele may offer. But for the other 99% of pools in this world, here’s what you should expect to find, and consequently, be disappointed by:
Deep ends that aren’t deep enough: In almost every pool in America, you’ll find 4-, 5- and 6-foot deep ends – just deep enough to stand without getting water in your eyes, but not deep enough to do anything cool whatsoever. No diving. No jumping. No cannonballs, believe it or not. Just slide in gently and stand uncomfortably.
Two attractive people: No more. No less. And they will always be together. So not only does it make it doubly awkward to approach them, but they’ve got each other – they don’t need you. The best part is when they decide to quit tanning for 2 minutes and get wet. At this point, the whole pool will stop what they were doing and watch. I mean, you’d think the groundhog was emerging from its cave to see if we’re gonna have six more weeks of winter or something.
The cool mom: This is the mom none of us ever had and wish we did. This is the mom that brings a huge cooler of assorted sodas and snacks for her kids and her kids’ friends. So every adult swim, or lifeguard break, these lucky kids are pounding orange and grape sodas and munching down on a variety of salty snacks. It’s disgusting to watch, but mostly, you’re just jealous of the days when your parents met your every need.
The kid learning to swim: I applaud this kid, I really do. But he/she couldn’t be more annoying. No matter where I go, it seems like this kid has drifted to my vicinity, prohibiting me from having any fun at all. If I’m shooting baskets at the poolside goal, the kid is flapping under the net. If I’m laying in a raft, he’s close to sliding under me. If I’m simply relaxing and dipping my feet over the edge, this kid is nearby splashing the hell out of me with his kicks. It’s an enigma.
The reading lifeguard: Almost exclusively under the age of 18. But if he/she has made it past that age, he/she only cares less. Every pool in America is guarded by a teenage kid whose face is buried in a magazine or book. So if someone were to go under, the only way he/she would know is by the commotion everyone else is making. I can’t think of a single example in this world where where job responsibilities go more neglected than with lifeguards. But don’t worry, they’ll make sure no one runs – cause that’s the important part of their job.
I could go on, but there is simply too much about pools that I dislike to form a cogent, concise post. So I’ll leave it here, and let you all fill in the rest. What annoys you most about public swimming pools, dear readers?
When people aren’t watching their kids and you have to save them from drowning.
I hate the kids who come back from the concession stand with a melting ice cream treat that he/she will no doubt drip on you on the way by…as well as a comically long licorice rope that he/she will leave unattended in the sun and thus it oozes on your car keys and hardens. Sweet.
I do like the chubby kid who wears a t-shirt, though. “I don’t want to get a sunburn,” he will say. Yeah…ok buddy. And yes, I was that kid.
Props to The Biz for admitting to being the fat kid in the soaking wet, white t-shirt.
We applaud you and all those like you.
-Lets not forget the old guy in the speedo who always looks like he’s packing a zucchini.
-Or the kid with the goggles that, as soon as the two attractive women get in the pool, suddenly has the lung capacity of Cuba Gooding in Men of Honor