Yes, We Know You Need Caffeine
Hey you – the guy who drinks coffee and red bull throughout the entire day. The one with the yellow stained teeth. The one with the disgusting breath that smells like old creamer and farts. We get it. We know you need caffeine. The whole office knows you need caffeine. So please, stop telling me about it.
You know the person we’re talking about, right? The person who is super-dramatic about needing caffeine. If you think there might be one of these people in your life, don’t worry, we’ve got some surefire signs you can check for to find out. And if you are this person (God forbid), well, best of luck with the aging process.
- This person constantly says stuff like, “I just need some caffeine in me and I’ll be ok”
- This person speaks about caffeine possessively, “I can’t do anything until I get my caffeine”
- This person thinks caffeine is the water of life, “I’m literally dead in the morning until I get coffee in me”
- The only time you ever talk to this person is at the coffee station
- This person is still getting new cups of coffee after three in the afternoon (I can’t imagine it still being satisfying at this point)
- This person feels the need to give off a post-sex sigh after taking that first sip
And I don’t want to single anyone out here, but just as bad are the Red Bull aficionados (for those who can still handle the taste of it – it happens to make me remember numerous mornings throwing up from jager and/or vodka mixed with it). This type of person is a little different. They are more likely to be into techno and huge lats and less likely to enjoy stupid indie music/movies.
- This person has numerous cans on the floorboards of his/her car, usually crushed
- This person drinks it at weird times of day – you’ll just see them wandering around with a can in his/her hand
- This person tends to think the Red Bull has a lot stronger effect than it actually does
- This person loves to party, but not in a cool way – the way that always makes what he/she did that night seem way cooler than it actually was. And both people know this person is lying.
- This person is very likely to still send in an audition tape to be a member of The Real World
My message to these people is simple – “I don’t care.” Drink all the caffeine you think is necessary to live and function. Just stop making a big production of it.
[...] that absolutely have to have our coffee before we’re able to function in the morning. We’ve been through this before. So we’re here to proclaim the end to this outdated phrase. There’s a new idiom to add [...]