Yeah, I Play a Little
So I constantly think of sweet stuff I could do at parties to make everyone look over and say, “wow, that dude is awesome,” and also have girls look over and say, “not only is that dude incredible and awesome, but I’d like to do stuff with him.” That’s why I want to know how to play instruments.
However, not all instruments are created the same. Some are definitely cooler than others:
- Euphonium (baritone): Not cool. This is the least cool instrument there is. Why don’t you just go home and eat cabbage soup or something. Sick. And yes, I used to play the Euphonium, but just in middle school.
- Trumpet: Too abrasive. Unless you’re in New Orleans or the Kentucky Derby, I don’t think the trumpet is ever appropriate.
- Theremin: This would be cool because no one knows what it is – but aside from playing music from old Nintendo games, I think this thing would get pretty lame after a while. Unless you were at a hipster party. In the land of hipsters, the man with the Theremin is king.
- Guitar: Kind of cliché don’t you think? Trust me, I like a good acoustic riff every now and then, but the legions of dudes who trotted these out to parties kind of ruins the fun.
- Drums: Here’s the thing with drums – other than how god damn loud they are – if you’re bringing drums, you mean business. It kind of takes away from the spontaneity if you need like 45 minutes to set up then test all your drum heads and stuff.
- Glass Armonica: If you were in Georgian Era England, this thing was bad ass. You and Benny Franklin could sip mojitos while listening to Marie Antoinette playing a cool new tune composed by Mozart. But, in modern time, you’d probably just look like a boner.
- Piano: The king of classy parties. You break out some piano and you’re instantly awesome. However, one word of warning – you have to be able to sing a little too. You can’t just play, then you’ll look like Geoffrey Rush in Shine. You have to do a little Bill Joel. People will love it. I’d love to know the piano but, to date, I can only play like 5 notes to the song Lean On Me – almost enough to party.
- Bells: No. God dammit. No. There’s no way you thought bells would be cool. They weren’t.
- Woodwinds: These are pretty hit-and-miss. Saxophones are cool but kind of creepy. Clarinets are annoying and Piccolos suck. Stick with the Piano… or Theremin.
Any more?
I love to roll my marshall full stack into parties so i can jam some ’sweet child o mine’ like slash on my gibson flying v after a couple hours downing maker’s mark and doing blow off groupies’ asses. THAT makes for a great time, and honestly, who doesn’t love groupies?
As much as I love the Glass Armonica and the Theramin, this is the 21st century, and these new wave kids can party balls. They want to be able to dance like assholes and eat ecstasy or other hip designer drugs at their parties.
All you need to get laid these days besides skinny jeans and an ironic t-shirt is a MacBook Pro. Just mix existing tunes together that have been written by someone much more musically inclined than yourself and you’re guaranteed to get your noodle wet.
Just look at Girl Talk (Greg Gillis), he’s a filthy hippie and he’s probably boned 3 different chicks today already because he mixed “Single Ladies” with the intro from “Bohemian Rhapsody”. Copyright laws aside, he’s a god damn genius with a slacker mentality (note: I use the word genius loosely).