Wolves Get Too Much Credit
I’m sick of people being so afraid of wolves. They treat them like they are a velociraptor or something truly terrifying like that. It’s not. It’s a big dog. With lots of friends.
Here’s the thing. If you put me in a room with a wolf, I’m going to be the one coming out alive. Don’t get me wrong. I might die from my injuries, but the wolf will die of my knee crushing its face in. Think about it – just because Timber Wolf sounds tougher than Human Being doesn’t mean I can’t outwit it. And it’s not because I’m tough. I’m not. At all. Really.
I’m fairly certain I can do just enough to destroy it before blood loss makes me pass out. I have faith in the human race, I’m pretty sure most anyone could come out alive as well, as long as they’re older than 15, male and not a hipster.
Don’t think so? Prove me wrong.
If you had a small knife or some sort of weapon I would give you a fighting chance. Barehanded, you’re a dead man.
This is how it would go:
The wolf would lunge at at your face. You would put your hands up in defense. The wolf would bite your arms and then your face. You’d start screaming and crying… something along the lines of “I HAVE SERIOUSLY UNDERESTIMATED THE RAW POWER OF WOLVES” Once your face is ripped open you’d be blinded by the blood and virtually defenseless. The wolf would crush your nose, leave your mouth and right cheek torn and dangling. After which the wolf would go for your jugular. When the administers of this experiment finally opened the door they would find a fully contented wolf, recently engorged on the flesh of an idiot. Also, there would be a pile of bones, fatty gristle, fecal matter and urine that was once a Surly Birds writer.
I would expect a faggy answer like that from someone with the name Pierre. I think the question needs to be amended to include the French as those most likely to be dominated by a wolf. A wolf isn’t going to back down once you throw up your white surrender flag. He doesn’t care how much wine or cheese you offer him/her, he’s still gonna eat your balls smeared between a nice, fresh baked baguette. Americans are not scared of wolves or packs or wolves. Not convinced? Why don’t you ask a buffalo. You put me in a room with a wolf and not only am I coming out alive, I’ll be drinking from a chalice filled with his blood wearing his severed head like a god damn trophy. Why don’t you just go back to Nice and complain about the modern art scene or how designers just don’t make berets like they use to. Meanwhile I’ll be masturbating to Ann Coulter reading the Declaration of Independence. Good day to you sir.
To the responding poster:
While I can’t personally support calling Pierre’s response “faggy,” I do support most French-bashing in general. I don’t think Pierre’s point was that he would surrender and everything would be cool, and I don’t get the “ask a buffalo” reference – on the flip side, every point you made after that statement was spot on. I’m still up in the air about whether I could take on a raging wolf, and I’m pretty sure I would lose to a pack of wolves. I’d love to hear more discussion on this matter.
Pack of wolves – no question, a human is dead meat. But against one? I’m coming out alive.
I suppose I probably should have included a few caveats in my argument. The person fighting the wolf is fully grown, no children – that’d just be ridiculous. That said, a fully grown human (I’m really trying to avoid being sexist here, I’m sure there are some women that could beat up a wolf too. Some.) going into a room versus one, fully grown male Timber Wolf. Man comes out alive – though I think the end of this fight would be very similar to the ending of Rocky II.
For the record, Ill take the wolf. A classic argument around the house here in Manhattan. An averaged size semi-athletic college student vs. the best fighting midget in the world.
You know damn well you don’t believe anything contained within your argument or the response comment. I don’t like an average male’s chances in a room against Ann Coulter let alone a wolf.
I like to think I could bring down a wolf – but the history of Pit Bull/Rottweiler attacks may disagree with me. It seems that when those dogs decide to attack a human, they tend to win (atleast until someone with a gun shows up). So if wolves are “just big dogs,” that might be enough. How do you kill a wolf – choke it? What is the finishing move? It seems like your best hope is to stay alive and avoid its bites until someone with a gun arrives. I would love to hear from an expert on how to actaully kill a wolf without a weapon.
[...] soccer mom (they probably wouldn’t even be impressed). Here’s a bet – if you lose, you’ll have to be trapped in a room with a wolf, and only one of you can come out. That way, there’s some real consequences. But no, you’re [...]