Under Armour. Not Over Armour.
Thanks to Ryan James of Kansas City, MO, for the random observation… There’s a growing trend in America, mostly middle-aged America, that simply needs to stop. Tell me this hasn’t happened to you: You go to a gas station to fill up. You’re standing there, minding your own business. A Honda Pilot pulls up next to you. A man around 45-years old gets out, dressed in a pair of pleated khaki shorts, sneakers and a skin-tight Under Armour shirt – always nicely tucked in with a belt. Sir, I hate to tell you, but you look like an asshole. Quit wearing Under Armour as a shirt.
Here’s the thing: I’m ok with incredibly ripped athletes wearing Under Armour when they’re shagging fly balls in the outfield before a game. I’m ok with moderately ripped athletes wearing Under Armour when they’re running routes before a game. I’m even ok with Steve Kerr practicing free throws in Under Armour. What I’m not ok with is Uncle Terry throwing on an his favorite UA shirt while he goes about his Saturday errands. Wow Terry, I love how that spandex/microfiber/polyester blend really brings out that incredibly short pair of cotton dockers. Oh, and the way it hugs the natural curves and sags of your torso – how did you find this miracle garment?
But look, I’m willing to be reasonable here. UA shouldn’t just be limited to athletes. Not everyone is given that ability. That’s why UA now makes winter coats, shoes and sweatshirts. And in fact, I’m ok with anyone, anywhere wearing the aforementioned items whenever and wherever they please. Sure, the name gets confusing at this point, considering you’re now sporting Under Armour outerwear, but that’s another topic for another time. This focus is on the original gimmick – the golden ticket that brought UA to the forefront of athletics. Right behind Nike, Adidas, Reebok, New Balance and any other actual sportswear company. The tight-fitting, muscle-gripping, protein-slamming spandex shirt.
So from here on out, I don’t want to see anyone wearing one of these glorified leotards as a shirt unless you’re about to play a game. They were designed to be worn under a jersey to improve blood flow, or under a t-shirt to provide warmth. They were meant to never be seen – not to let everyone see your natural imperfections.
I know all of you have experienced this phenomenon at one point or another, so let’s hear it. Give me some warning signs people should check for before donning this atrocious piece of cloth. Here are some thoughts from us to get you started:
If you wear penny loafers to mow the lawn, wear a shirt over your Under Armour.
If you sometimes rest your arms on the crest of your stomach, wear a shirt over your Under Armour.
If you bought it in hopes that it would motivate you to work out, wear a shirt over your Under Armour.
If your clubbin’ gear is based around your brand new Under Armour shirt, wear a shirt over your Under Armour.
if your under armour shirt fits like lil’ wayne’s stafford on icy white wednesdays then go down two sizes and then throw a shirt over it.
If your wife rolls her eyes when you talk about your Camaro, wear a shirt over your Under Armour.
If the seams crackle and pop when you pull that badboy on, cover it up with something that’s really your size.
If you are going to the gym solely to use the exercise bike, wear a shirt (or two) over your Under Armour.