Tips for Facebook Status
I’m sure this is a function of my age, but I was around when Facebook first started. When Facebook was exclusive and only a few universities had it. Back then, it was awesome. New and exciting. Then it started getting really big and fancy. Then everyone was allowed on. Then it became like a more robust Twitter. Now, don’t take this as me being cranky – I like Facebook. I love looking at pictures of people from high school. It’s awesome – especially when you find out someone has just gone all to hell.
But, what I don’t like is certain people’s status updates. Yeah, we all know the insufferable status update categories:
- Politics: Listen, unless you share my exact views, I don’t care what you think. I didn’t ask to know your thoughts on health reform. And no, I don’t think your job as an IT consultant gives you the expertise to sway my opinion. Especially because you’ve only now become interested in politics – now that everyone in the world has an opinion on something.
- Facebook Narcissism: No one is celebrating your success. No one. In fact, it mostly just drives everyone crazy. Sure, most people really want to succeed, but no one wants to hear about it. Especially when it makes us realize how shitty our current lives are.
- Health Issues: I’ve been following someone’s daily updates about the struggle to sobriety for a few weeks now – listen, if it’s this big of a problem, you probably need rehab. Otherwise, maybe stop making it a big deal and telling everyone about your struggle. Everyone has problems.
- Self Promotion: Guilty.
- Actual Status Updates: The original idea of letting people know what you’re doing every hour of the day was stupid and pompous. So for those of you that are still doing it, please, we’ve all progressed…
Now, we don’t want anyone thinking that we Surly Birds are just happy to sit back and criticize without providing solutions. That wouldn’t be our style. So, below, we’ve provided a handful of tips that will help you write a better and more compelling status message.
- Always make it funny or link to something funny. Otherwise, it’ll be a drag and things are already enough of a drag without your melancholy status message.
- If you’re going to use a quote, make it something your friend said this weekend that was awesome and original. We’re not in English class, we don’t care what Foucault had to say about life. It only reminds us of the action we’re not taking to make it better. But your buddy who said something incredible while drunk – now that’s amusing.
- Don’t put up weird or cryptic hospital/health stuff. It goes without saying that this is all very traumatic and yes, we feel for you. But maybe you should be spending time with your family and not writing about how serious and sad you are on Facebook. Also, does your family member who is going to surgery really want you putting their picture up when they look all pre-op gross?
- If you have incredibly good looking friends, make sure you share all your pictures and call it out in your status. Checking out awesome pictures is one of the best things about Facebook.
- Enough with the sports updates. Here is a general rule of thumb the next time you think about posting how pumped you are about your team: The more you post on Facebook about your team’s recent success, the more desperate your fan base seems. Seriously. Think about who you would consider the more desperate fan base between two rivals in your region and see who’s posting more. It’s a science.
- When you get engaged, there are two ways of letting people know. An actual Relationship Status change from ‘in a relationship’ to ‘engaged’, or, posting it in your status. Don’t do both. No one, and we mean no one, cares that much.
- This applies to most situations in life, but especially when it appears on our homepage – SPELL THE WORDS RIGHT. You used what, 14, 15 words?? Yeah, that’s a lot. I can see how you misspelled a few.
So, did we forget anything, dear readers? Drop us a line and let us know what else bugs you about Facebook, or even better, let’s hear your tips for people’s status updates.
-If you decide that for some reason you are going to brag, just do it blatantly and shamelessly. There is no point to passively bragging or trying to sneak it in there. IE, (and this is a actual occurance) if you just bought a big stupid Hummer H2 and want the world to know, DO NOT write “Joe Blow… is playing around with his new car’s stereo, Anyone familiar with the workings of the Hummer H2’s audio set up?” Just come out and say it, “Joe Blow..is the proud owner of a Hummer H2!”. Its actually less obnoxious that way. And i if i were you i would throw some self deprecation in there just to cover your back and seem like less of a tool, ie “Joe Blow….just bought a hummer, what was i thinking? so much for making rent.”
-Can we just go ahead and retire that pose girls do where they hold up two fingers and make that weird puckered, kissy face?
-There is an inversely proportional relationship between how cool a person is and how many pictures they have taken of themselves and then posted
Stop using pictures of your baby as your profile picture. Nobody cares about your baby except you, trust me.
Speaking of profile pictures, you should only be able to update it once a month tops, and that’s even stretching it. I’ve only used 6 pictures ever, one for each year I’ve been on Facebook. I understand you think it’s a great pic of you with your besties at some sorority sister’s wedding. You’ve sucked in your stomach perfectly and managed to hide your second chin, but your real friends still know you’re overweight, and that’s all that matters.
Also, if you know me through my mom, I don’t want to be friends with you so stop asking.