The Ancient World’s Worst Wonder
I believe there is a fraud among the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. An imposter. A structure that cheapens the name “Wonders of the Ancient World.” And I think you all know what I’m talking about – the Mausoleum of Maussollos at Halicarnassus.
It’s a shame, a goddamn shame that this structure even stands in the ranks of the other wonders of the world. It’s like calling the Kia Sephia a Bentley. To be honest, I don’t feel comfortable living in a world that continues to give this dumb thing credit. The thing was 135 feet tall (not impressive) it had a bunch of dumb carvings that didn’t look anything close to real lions. It even got plundered and destroyed by knights. I hope that sinks in. Knights! The most noble and logical of the ancient peoples. Yet knights found this place so lame they decided to grind it into plaster. Let’s compare:
- Great Pyramid of Giza: Most all accounts attribute this building to the work of aliens. I think there was even a movie about it, The Fifth Element starring Bruce Willis. That’s awesome. Trust me, this bad boy was a tomb too, and it never got destroyed by knights.
- Hanging Gardens of Babylon: Some king made this so a woman would do stuff with him. That’s pretty awesome. Hey, millions of slaves – sweat and die and make this dumb garden in this huge desert so this girl will hang out with me. I hope she wasn’t impressed – but I bet she was because this thing was badass. It was a wonder of irrigation, and anyone who knows me knows how much I love irrigation.
- Statue of Zeus at Olympia: Took up a whole island, the guy was covered in gold. This thing was awesome. So cool that Washington state kind of named their capitol city after where this statue was. Also, Zeus was a pretty awesome name for a god or small dog.
- Temple of Artemis at Ephesus: This one kind of sucked too, but it was still better than the Mausoleum. I guess. I’d rather see something else in this spot.
- Colossus of Rhodes: This one was incredible. Some huge guy straddling a waterway into the city. Made to honor Helios, the sun god. Helios is an awesome name. Could you imagine being some non-Greek guy planning to go to Rhodes to cause problems? You feel good about your mission then you sail under this huge thing. If it were me, I’d immediately lose my nerve.
- Lighthouse of Alexandria: Huge, awesome and – most of all- functional. I’m surprised Thomas Kincaid hasn’t done some stupid painting of this for his Hallmark collection. Seriously, this thing was awesome and made it easy for sailors to get home.
So, after going through the different Wonders, its easy to see why Mausoleum of Maussollos at Halicarnassus needs to do the graceful thing and remove its name from consideration.
Thanks.
Here’s my list:
1. Dinosaurs
2. Cell Phones
3. Jesus
4. The Ozone Layer
5. The AIDS Virus
6. The Great Pyramids of Giza (They got that one right)
AND
7. Pop Corn