Restaurant Folk
If any of you have ever worked in restaurants, you know it’s a special little world. You never fail to run into some of the most unique people ever. Well, by “unique” I really mean weird and unnerving people that you really can’t imagine are actual people that live more than just when it’s their shift. I mean, some of these people make it hard to imagine that they have friends, family and generally anyone that cares for them. As a service to those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of working in a horrible chain restaurant, I’ve compiled a list of the people you’ll run into.
- The Cooks: You can find them because, if you’re a server, they generally think that they are smarter, better and more logical than you. What’s more, there’s a 98% chance they smoke so they can take breaks more often. Also, they tend to blame you for everything. Yes. It’s my fault some people came in at 8:59. What’s that? We were still open? Yeah, maybe you should stop fucking complaining, turn up the Korn playing on the CD player and make the god damn quesadillas.
- The Pro: This is the server who LOVES… LOVES serving people. They take it really serious. They’re usually a model employee – took the stupid menu tests and didn’t cheat, actually know everything Chili’s has to offer – until you find out that they have a weird case of “nerd” rage. By that I mean they get absolutely pissed at random stuff that seems harmless. Here’s a classic line: “That mother fucker only tipped me a quarter… So I went up to him and gave it back, I said you forgot your change… Man… if you can’t afford service, go to Sonic or something, right?” Yeah man. Tough.
- The New Mom: Got pregnant too early. No marketable skills. Going to community college while working day shifts. She still manages to get shit-faced on the weekends and act irresponsible. Will always try to use her child to get sympathy. She sucks.
- The Lifer: Avoid this person at all costs. Seriously. They’ll be the first ones to empathize as you complain, but its just because they’ve seen it all in their 20 years on the job. They’ll suck you in. I’ve seen it a million times.
- The Chef: A huge asshole. Listen buddy, give me a recipe and I could do your job no problem, and I didn’t it study it for 4 years either.
- The Tourist: Needs a job for a couple months or to prove a point to their parents. This person is usually pretty awesome, but they won’t get close. They do a pretty good job and manage to stay above it all.
- The Tip Counter: This guy/gal will give you an up-to-the-second update of the tips he/she has made so far. Frames life completely on tips made. Oh, that table? They seemed bad but they were cool because they left me a huge tip. This person more than likely drives a Honda that’s been modified in some way.
- The Bartender: This person usually gets the distinction of being one of the cooler people who work there. They’re not *really* cool, they’re *restaurant* cool – meaning that within the fragile ecosystem that is a chain restaurant, these people had the most charisma to be stuck behind a bar serving/entertaining construction workers and middle managers.
Please, add more. I didn’t get them all on purpose, I want to hear some from you.
The Overly Friendly High School Sophomore Host:
This girl always seems to be in much more of a better mood than a $6.75/hr job would typically justify. She tends to struggle with authority issues at home (“My mom found out I snuck out of my house last night and grounded me. What a bitch… I’m going to save up money from this job and get my own apartment”). Its a different story at work, however, as she cheerfully performs her regular duties of seating needy guests, answering phone calls, organizing matchbooks at the host stand, and drawing crayon pictures on the back of kid’s menus for her secret restaurant crush, the Tip Counter (who, coincidentally, gives her rides home after work in his ‘95 Civic with an aftermarket exhaust and body kit that he paid for with “sick tips from last Christmas Break”). In time, the girl goes either of two directions: takes a higher-paying hosting gig at another, classier restaurant, or gets promoted to server and eventually takes over the role of “The New Mom.”
Usually falls under the “tourist” category: The Busboy.
Characteristics include:
- generally, not giving a f*ck
- laughing when over-eager “pro” servers scream at them for either 1) not bussing tables fast enough, thereby causing them to “miss out” on business / money or 2) bussing tables too fast, thereby causing them to get over-worked.
- showing up after a day at the beach, unshowered, drunk, lacking basic coordination skills
- hiding in the back room performing “roll-ups” (AKA “restaurant origami,” which entails rolling silverware sets up in napkins) during peak hours on a busy night, when he should be buss-ting (ha!) his ass
- intentionally tripping over himself in the middle of the restaurant, usually while carrying a tray full of empty bread baskets or other harmless yet bouncy items
- ah, the list goes on. those were the days.
I wanted to throw a carton of soy milk at this awful person I worked with at Starbucks. I don’t know what I’d call him… Asshole Rule Follower? You know the type. They’re not even in management (but desperately want to be and think they’re moving right up) and they walk around quoting the employee handbook like it’s the word of God. Also, they monitor your 10 minute breaks to make sure you’re not late and give you hateful looks if they see you eating a muffin. He hated me from the moment he found out that his idol (my boss)and I would go drink after work. The manager was always getting “suggestion notes” from an anonymous employee about fellow employees that committed a variety of sins. I should note that we didn’t even have a suggestion box. I was called out for my “excessive plastic wrap use” by this anonymous employee.
It’s safe to say that in any workplace, the employees AND the manager think Rule Follower is a dick.
The Mercenary
-Has worked at every restaurant imaginable, fired for various reasons
-As the chain-smoking, high-energy-while-simultaneously-brooding, foul-mouthed, self-declared badass, he imagines himself the Joey Ramone of the restaurant business
-flaunts mastery of Service Jargon or Waiterspeak
-claims outrageous past experiences (ie sex in the walk-in, lines of coke off the urinal, 500 dollar tip from celebrity, etc)
-If they sense that you have any less than 15 years of service experience they will spray you down with a constant barrage of advice
-Since they have no higher aspirations other than making rent and being hungover for their next double, they blow all their tips at dive karaoke bars (ie the Double Dragon in Blue Springs)
-They talk about working a double like they deserve a Purple Heart for it
My favorite mercenary had a real first name, but simply went by “Torch” (His hair was dyed Agent Orange), He came up to me on my first training shift and having never said a word to me said, “..So I’ve got my tongue in this girl’s [butthole]..”