Just Shoot the Tires

We’ve spoken about car chases before. You know how we feel about them. We prefer reality. Maybe then, we should stop watching movies altogether, but that’s a topic for another time. Today’s post is about car chases, and why in the world people don’t just shoot for the tires every single time.

It’s really quite baffling. Now, the simple answer to this is: “Because car chases are incredible and what would the Bourne movies be without them.” To which I would say this: “Exactly.” Shooting out the tires on the car 7.5 seconds into the chase would put an abrupt end to things right then and there.

Am I the only one who, when watching a car chase in the theater, is just sitting there thinking, “just shoot the god damn tires and let’s get this over with.” Doesn’t it impede on the perception that these cops or whoever is doing the chasing has any training whatsoever? Any expertise in the field at all? Why are we shooting at windshields and trunks when there are 4 rubber, unmoving targets to aim at?

Now, I know some of you will argue that there are safety risks to others drivers if the tires are shot and the criminal loses control of the car. But wouldn’t a dead, bullet-riddled corpse have a little less control of the wheel? A little less care for other drivers on the road? Forget the windshield, go for the rubber.

Basically, I have a hard time understanding why we’re so concerned with looking out for the safety of these criminals anyway. These law-shedding vigilante pupils of civility that feel the best way to get away with a crime is to endanger the lives of just about everyone else they encounter on the never-at-all busy LA highways. This is clearly someone worth protecting. The decision to rob an old lady and then take to the streets is proof enough of the contributions we can expect them to offer to society in the future. Oh, and you can forget about innocent until proven guilty thing. Running from the cops, with the exception of one inexplicable case, is about as overt as one can be about being guilty.

So really, why is this such a tough decision? Why are we following this guy for hours hoping he’ll at some point pull a Forrest Gump and just stop, turn around and say, “I’m pretty tired. I think I’ll go home now.” The road is cleared. The highway has been properly scraped clean for miles. No one is around. Shoot the tires and see what happens.

In fact, let’s look at this objectively. If you’re desperate, for whatever reason, to keep someone from leaving, from driving away and out of your life forever, what would you do? Pretend you’re standing in your driveway and you have to do something. Do you slash the tires of the car? Or do you bash in windshield?

Now, I’ve gone on record saying there’s nothing better than turning on CNN and finding a car chase that lasts for three hours. And it’s true. For those three hours. Afterwards, I’m just mad at myself for having so thoroughly wasted my time on something whose outcome was never once in doubt. So, something has to be done. Let’s try shooting the tires to start with, so that way I can get back to doing important things with my life – like surfing the Internet or taste-testing the food in my refrigerator.

What do you think, dear readers? Good idea or no? Do you have a better way of handling these absurd situations? Please, give us your thoughts. And be funny about it.