homeless AND religious
One thing that’s common in every town, big town, across this great country of ours is homeless people. No matter where you go, you’re sure to find ‘em. But this post isn’t about how much I don’t like them or anything like that. No, I don’t mind them – except for when they stand at an intersection next to your car with a cardboard sign that reads, “Very hungry. Please help. God bless.” That’s right – God bless. Take a moment to let that irony soak in, and then we’ll talk more.
Apparently, there is a strategy to being homeless these days. And that strategy manifests itself in an appeal to every person’s inner Christian. Let’s review this strategy from a homeless man’s perspective. “Well, I’ve done nothing up to this point in my life that is even remotely Christian, but I suppose there are still people out there that should want to help me. That seems reasonable. I’ll just feed on those suckers.” This is what they’re thinking. Trust us. We deal with this crap every day.
You’ll see examples of what we’re talking about when every now and then you’ll find the guy who writes some real weird stuff, but follows it with the vaunted “God Bless.” It’ll be like, “Homeless Veteran, I once killed a cat for sustenance and I actually kind of liked it… not the cat meat, but the act of killing the cat. Anything helps. God Bless.”
The real kicker though, lies in their uncanny ability to make you feel awful for NOT giving them anything. You want to be a good person. You want to follow that esteemed golden rule. But here’s this guy who’s run his life into the ground, and you’re still supposed to help him? Is this dollar really going to change his life around? Well, if you’re still having doubts, just remember, he hopes that God blesses you. That’s right, this guy who’s run his life into the ground making un-Christian decisions wishes you a God Bless. Oh, and he’s going to make really awkward eye contact with you until the light turns green, so have fun finding things to mess with in your car so you don’t have to look at him.
So are you a bad Christian for not giving him money or food? That’s what he wants you to think. It’s kind of like those ridiculous people that only go to church on Easter and Christmas. Every other Sunday of the year just doesn’t fit into their religious lifestyle, but Easter and Christmas, you just have to go. Otherwise, you feel guilty for the rest of the day. That’s what this guy hopes for you. That’s why he’s written these words on a piece of cardboard.
So just know the next time you pull up to a stoplight and you think you’ve come across a rare born-again Christian homeless guy who’s just fallen on hard times, know that you’re wrong. Know that he’s appealing to that inner Christian in you in hopes that you feel guilty enough to give him something. And know that if you do, he’s laughing to himself and using that dollar to buy another sign so he can write GOD BLESS in even bigger letters. Because he just won.
Am I wrong in saying that the rules of economics assures that begging on the side of the road at stop lights has to be a successful business model, or else no one would do it.
I mean it’s no Apple Computers or Ebay, but if money wasn’t being made, my ECON 1000 – Microeconomics education tells me that these sultans of the stop light would turn to more profitable and respected professions, like prostitution or selling drugs.
I saw a homeless guy that had a sign that said, “GO LAKERS! God Bless.” He was doing quite well with donations.
I’ll admit, the Lakers part tugged at my heart.
A buddy of mine was approached this morning by a few homeless guys. He was carrying bagels and though he declined to give them change, he offered them bagels. They got really angry and said, “Whatever white boy, don’t be rude.”
‘Lost my leg to sharks with laser beams.
Spare some change so I can manufacture a new one?
God Bless’
If you’ve ever visited the Plaza in Kansas City, you’ve definitely seen the guy who sits on a bucket and asks you for a down payment on a cheeseburger. I can’t stand that guy and his pudgy cheeks, and it annoys me that out-of-towners think he’s funny. I told him off once when he asked me for a down payment in his dumb little voice after I had seen him eating an actual cheeseburger 15 minutes earlier. I’d like to kick the bucket out from underneath him and introduce him to a real homeless man; the mentally-ill guy who lives in the alley next to my building…dirtiest man I’ve ever seen. I’d give him a sandwich any day of the week…I have a soft spot for actual homeless people.
I think Rob is definitely on to something with his idea of Bum as Business Model. In fact i think the business world has already embraced it in the form of the mall kiosk worker. Here you have nothing more than a cleaned up, streamlined version of the standard beggar, legitimized by the addition of a cash register and a clean shirt. You walk through the mall and they assault you from every side. “Are you happy with your wireless plan?” “Come here, let me rub some creepy lotion on your arm!” “would you like a coffee mug for your grandma with your picture on it?” or my personal favorite pitch “Hey, can i ask you a question?” (I would suggest replying: “You just did.”) These guys are exactly like bums, primarily because the only reason a person would ever actually do business with them is because you lacked the backbone to say no, or because you couldn’t think of a lame excuse. You also have to assume they are on commission, since nobody in their right mind would ever try so hard otherwise. And what is a commission based salesperson other than the ultimate beggar? Once mall kiosk workers can find a way to harness the power of the God Bless, and impart the wrath of God on their rejectors, who knows how the Bum will further evolve?