Hey dick, move. God dammit. Get out of the way. Seriously? You’re gonna wait 10 minutes for this spot? This spot? Come on man. I’m trying to get somewhere. At least move over so I can go around in a dramatic and aggressive move. Fine. We’re just gonna wait here? Good. You son of a bitch.
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An Open Letter To The Guy Who Made Me Wait Forever So He Could Get A Kinda Close Parking Spot
Just Shoot the Tires
We’ve spoken about car chases before. You know how we feel about them. We prefer reality. Maybe then, we should stop watching movies altogether, but that’s a topic for another time. Today’s post is about car chases, and why in the world people don’t just shoot for the tires every single time.
Don’t Rush the Shorts
Yes. Spring is on the way. Literally any day we’re going to get our first taste of temperatures above 40 degrees (I’m talking to those of us in climates that experience winter). And you know what that means, right? People are going to be sprinting to be the first to wear shorts. T-Shirts. Sandals.
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Sweet Dreams
Ever have that incredible dream that’s super awesome and you immediately realize that you need to tell others about it? You know. How all this CRAZY stuff happened and other people just need to hear about it? Well. I understand. But, I do have a couple rules to keep in mind when you’re slogging through it trying to remember stuff as you’re telling me.
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The Departed: Ruining Cranberry Juice
I enjoyed the movie The Departed. I liked it when Leonardo’s character ordered a cranberry juice. I thought it was funny when that asshole said, “whaddaya got, yer period?” And I liked it when Leo bashed his face in with that glass. What I don’t like is that now whenever I go to a bar and get cranberry juice, 50 people ask me if I’m on my period.
Yes. I know you like The Hangover.
Ever heard of a little movie called The Hangover? It’s literally the funniest movie ever made in the history of movies. How do I know that? Every single person on Earth says so via Facebook, Twitter, Google Buzz, Friendster, Yammer, MySpace or any other of these bastard programs.
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Funniest thing ever to say ever: What Are You Smoking?
“Man, are you smoking crack or something?” HAHAHAHHAHAHA. This is probably the single funniest comeback ever uttered by mankind. Literally, it’s so funny that every person uses it at least once in their life. It’s so awesome that teachers use it and AUTOMATICALLY seem cool to their kids.
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A Critical Analysis of the Lyrics to Tik Tok by Ke$ha
I’ll admit it. The first time I heard “Tik Tok” by Ke$ha I thought to myself, “Oh, god dammit, what is music coming to these days.” But then. I listened to the lyrics. I mean REALLY listened and I tell you what. I was stunned. Beneath all the loops and autotunage and stupid dollar sign for the S was a real anthem for social activism. Let’s take a look.
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Super Awkward: Rearview Mirror Eye Contact
It’s true, random eye contact is almost always awkward. No matter the situation. With some waitress across a room. With your boss. With your best friend. Every time it happens its horrible. And usually accompanied by some head movements to try and mask it. A stretch. A look over the shoulder. But. The most awkward of all eye contact is creepy rearview mirror eye contact.
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New Years Eve: Worst Holiday of the Year
No. I don’t like holidays. Pretty much any of them. Sure, I guess that a few have a couple redeeming qualities but for the most part its just plain awful. Cards. Presents. Special programming. Foods centered around turkeys. All of it. But no other holiday presents all the little annoyances of New Years Eve.
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